On Happy Relationship

Before talking about the secrets of happy marriage, another question comes to mind: “Is happy marriage possible?” Married people often complain about their marriages and spouses and divorces are increasing day by day; it causes people to have a pessimistic impression of marriage. Today, neither one-year married couple nor 20-year married couple are satisfied with their marriage. Moreover, the fact that the complaints of married couples revolve around a similar problem causes “unhappiness” to be perceived as an inevitable end of marriages.

Many studies have been carried out on marriage, love and relationships for years, and it is being investigated whether there are happy relationships, and what is different in these relationships, what these couples do differently. The Gottman Institute, established in America, has been searching for answers to these questions for nearly 40 years. The founder of the Institute, Dr. According to John Gottman, they have studied about 3,000 couples so far. As a result, they got an idea of ​​what happy couples did not do and identified 4 behaviors that ended relationships. The first of these four that harms relationships is “destructive criticism”, or in other words, “blame”. Of course, couples criticize each other positively and negatively, and even the criticism of our closest person can help us improve ourselves. But the style used while criticizing is very important. While criticizing, our aim should be to warn or help our spouse or partner, not to blame them. Insulting criticism will not help us neither to the other nor to our relationship.

The second is “defense”, which is actually the result of the first. When the couples start blaming each other, this is followed by their self-defense. In this situation, a small change in the perspective of the couple can change the outcome of the discussion for the better. When couples disagree on a matter, they guard each other against each other. Whereas, targeting the problem that causes the debate, guarding against the “problem” together rather than against each other will make it easier to find a solution to the problem.

Dr. The third behavior that Gotman has shown to be harming relationships is “lack of respect”. It is a situation that can occur as a result of extreme intimacy that occurs after couples get married or get used to each other. Sincerity and feeling comfortable with each other is a normal and beautiful result of every relationship, but sometimes this comfort can cause us to exhibit our words and behavior towards each other without thinking about it and damage the respect between them. While it is normal for us to insult and make belittling expressions during the discussion, the resentment of the other person can accumulate and cause him to become disgraced from us.

The last negative behavior is “walling”. We can define walling as one couple trying to resolve a problem or a situation they are uncomfortable with while the other remains unresponsive. If there is a problem for one of the parties in a relationship, it is a situation that poses a problem for the other party, although it may be ignored, and it concerns both parties equally. Ignoring this or sweeping it under the carpet will only cause it to build up and grow. Also, if there is a problem in the relationship, it would be unfair to say that one of the couples caused it. If there is a problem in marriage or relationship, it is necessary to accept the fact that both parties have a share and responsibility in the formation of this problem. In order to solve the problem, it is necessary to accept it first and then to act.

We talked about what we shouldn’t do to protect our relationship. Now let’s talk about what needs to be done and what is essential. Many different experts, however, have done a lot of research with different people. Many important elements were revealed, which were also written and said about the relations. To put it in an order of importance; These four can be listed as friendship, sexuality, personal space and problem solving skills. Although the priority order of these four can vary according to the expectations of each couple from the relationship and each other, the presence of all four is essential for a happy continuity of the relationship.

The fact that the couple can establish a friendship in a relationship or marriage indicates that they can establish good and strong communication. It is also an indication that they can chat and thus enjoy spending time together. It will help couples to discover their common interests and learn hobbies that they can do together.

Experiencing sexuality efficiently allows couples to get satisfaction from marriage and relationship and not to lose the passion between them. Sexual attraction strengthens the bond between the couple and again makes the relationship more enjoyable. For sexual problems, it is necessary to get expert support without wasting any time.

Nowadays, we see that some couples get a bit wrong about being “us”. Doing things together all the time and spending all the time together is not about being “us”. In marriage, it is necessary for individuals to have their own private spaces, their time apart and to have friends, both for the relationship and for both parties. Attempting to do everything together can cause partners to overwhelm each other, the individual may distance themselves and fall into emptiness. Relationship experts are often reminded that hanging out from time to time and missing each other is good for both sides.

Finally, “problem solving skills”. It is the last of the savior elements of relationships. In every marriage, every relationship is actually a problem wherever there is a person. Hence, a happy marriage or a happy relationship does not mean trouble. Happy couples also have many problems. Their difference is that their problem-solving skills are developed. Couples who know each other well and are sensitive to each other can solve their problems more easily. Accordingly, in order to develop problem solving skills, it is necessary to strengthen communication between them. Strengthening communication will bring solutions to many problems.

A happy relationship is not impossible or difficult, it just requires some realism and proper communication. If the individual knows himself first and knows his limits and what he wants, he can make better choices. As a second step, getting to know our partner, knowing his limits and being aware of his expectations are key to having a fulfilling relationship.